Jules Across The Pond

Back to Utah for the weekend

This post was going to be in the blog brother site, but a new rule only allowed one post there today...so please click this link and head over to blog brother to give me your comments and support me and help me survive another week in this contest...

Well...I wasn't going to post this because there are so many people out there who have accused me of fabricating my life or at the very least, exaggerating it...and I didn't want to give them more fuel for the fire as they would probably totally flame this entry.  I was also debating whether or not to post this since it does help explain my flighty and angry and distressed nature this week, but I don't like using excuses to explain my behavior...I try to take full responsibility for things and not push it off on external impetus.

But, then I decided that those few of you who I actually consider my friends deserve to know where I'm disappearing to for the next little bit and why I'm going.

I'm heading back to Utah...leaving early Friday morning.  I know I just visited my family...but something drastic has come up.

I got a phone call around 2 AM on Tuesday morning.  It was my stepdad.  He told me that Monday morning, my mother had a stroke...a fairly major one.  She was in a coma.  The doctors had been working with her all day Monday and now said it was up to her.

I told him I would come home.  He said that would probably be great.

I got off the phone and immediately tried to buy a plane ticket, only to find out that my one and only credit card didn't have enough available credit to buy a ticket.  I tried calling my stepdad back, but there was nobody at home and I had no way to get in touch with him.

So I lay on my bed the rest of the night...trying to sleep, but instead worrying about my mom.  I didn't go to class on Tuesday...too worried.  I tried again and again to call home but couldn't get a hold of anybody.  I left messages on the machine.

Tuesday night I talked with David about it.  He was very supportive though I think it was hard for him to figure out exactly what to say without making me feel worse...he kept trying to talk about how hard it was with his mom, but didn't want to go so far as to remind me that his mom just died.  I ended up telling him I just needed to be alone...and then I came online and made a fool of myself lashing out at the world.

Anyway, by Wednesday morning I was totally exhausted but every time I tried to sleep, I woke up with nightmares about my mom.  I wrote in my offline journal and then read some entries about good memories of my mom.  I finally fell asleep late Wednesday morning and slept for a few hours.

Wednesday evening my stepdad called back.  There had been no change with my mom.  She was still in a coma.  Doctors were still optimistic that she would come out of it soon, but they were advising that she would likely have brain damage and/or memory loss.  Choking back tears, I asked if he could get me a plane ticket to come home and be with her.  He said he would.

He called back a bit later and gave me the details for my plane ticket and said my sister would pick me up at the airport and bring me to the hospital to be with my mom.

I talked with him again this morning...still no change in my mother's situation...

I am so scared.  I was really very close with my mother when I was younger, and for my first few years in college I used to call her frequently and we'd send letters back and forth.  But for the past few years, we haven't really done any talking at all other than a few conversations here and there.  I feel like we've grown apart, and I feel so sad that I might lose her without having told her how much she's meant to me.

I pray with every breath that she'll come out of this coma and everything will be just as it was before.  But at the same time I worry that she could suffer major brain damage...and I know (from talking with her about this years ago when my aunt had a stroke) that she would rather be taken from this earth than live a life in which she felt like a burden on people or a life in which she had lost her facilities and didn't really feel "alive."  My aunt (my mom's sister) had a stroke and lost 80% of her mental and physical capabilities.  She relies on people for everything...she can't dress herself...she can't feed herself.  She didn't remember who her family was (we constantly remind her who we are, but she stares at us with blank stares and no recognition...giving half hearted smiles).  She does get pleasure from a hug or shows of affection, but she can't and doesn't enjoy any of the things she used to enjoy...nor is she able to do many things at all.

I have known a few disabled people in my life.  Some are very happy and upbeat...some are very pessimistic and downtrodden...my aunt is neither of those...she's stuck somewhere in the middle, not knowing how to be happy and not really feeling sad or angry...she just sort of exists.  I think that's what my mom was afraid of when she said she didn't want to live like that...she doesn't want to be alive just in the technical sense.

That said, I'm torn.  I very selfishly want her to come out of it even if it means she's totally disabled, just because it means she would still be here for me...but at the same time, I know that's not what she would want.  And then I think about it and know that even though it would be her body, it wouldn't really be "her", if you know what I mean.  I still love her absolutely and would continue to love her no matter what happens.  I would just be so very sad if she changed so entirely that she is no longer able to take any enjoyment for life.

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Whoa...sorry...what I meant to be a short quick post turned into quite a lengthy entry.

Anyway, feel free to send your supporting or flaming comments to me...just do it over in the blog brother section.  I don't know if I'll survive this week or not...and I probably won't know for a few days anyway since I'm heading out in the morning and don't know when I'll be back or when I'll get away from the hospital and feel like tracking down an Internet connection to come online again (blogging isn't likely to be a priority for the next few days).

So...that said, go leave me some comments over at blog brother and I'll talk to you when I talk to you.

--Jules

1 Comment 25.3.04 17:56, comment

Trouble in the Kingdom of Blog

Everybody please click this link and head over to the blog brother contest and leave me plenty of comments (just make sure they have a little something to do with the entry) to help me survive.  It seems I have incurred the wrath of the powers that be and I fear I am done for if I can't garner the support I need.  So please make a stand against dictatorship and come comment to help me survive.  Thanks.

1 Comment 24.3.04 00:43, comment

Heading "home" to Utah for the weekend

So I probably won't be leaving too many (or any?) entries over the weekend.  So please go on over to the blog brother section and leave me a bunch of comments to help me survive any looming scandal in the contest.

Thanks.

See you on Monday.

--Jules

8 Comments 19.3.04 16:51, comment

Still blogging...long weekend

Well, after a long and tiring weekend, I'm finally back to make new entries.  As per usual lately, my entries are over at the blog brother section of 20six.

Please head over there to leave me oodles of comments to help keep me alive and kicking in this contest. 

I know it's pretty sad, but I slept most of the weekend and I'm still tired.  It probably has something to do with my brother calling me at 3 in the morning on Sunday morning to talk about pregnancy issues...he and his wife are in the midst of labor and very frustrated (read all about it at the blog brother section of 20six.)

So, I sort of muddled through class today and my schoolwork tonight.  I kept hoping David would call (he's in Wales 'cause his mom just died and he's helping sort things out there) but alas, he didn't.

Oh well, I'm off to bed.  Hopefully I'll have more interesting posts tomorrow.

--Jules

1 Comment 16.3.04 04:06, comment